two truths and a lie

Well, it looks as though I am being dragged back into the blogosphere despite a monster migraine, lured by my friend Liz over at Random Thoughts of a Lutheran Geek, who is running a "Two Truths and a Lie Blog Carnival" this weekend, darn her. It's based upon the childhood game where you tell three truths about yourself, except that one, of course, is a lie, and everyone else has to guess which one the lie is. We usually played it at slumber parties and, truth be told, I was never very good at it, because I always blushed (the curse of the Irish for you) and giggled when I told my lie. At least here I have the advantage of not being seen!

So, here are my three, um, truths:

1  I thought about becoming an Episcopalian priest.
2. I was once engaged to the son of a millionaire.
3. I was once interviewed on MPR.

So go to the comments section and make your guesses!  And then play along on your own blog, link up and hop around the blogs to get to know each other better.  We will reveal the correct answers on our original posts on Monday February 28th so stop back to see if you were right!

Note: I revealed my correct answers in my comments section by mistake. You will find that I like to be different. Or difficult, depending upon your interpretation! And I was late besides--oops!

seventeen years??????

My dad's funeral was 17 years ago today. It's amazing to think so much time has passed, when I thought I could never live without him. But I discovered that I can, because he is now a part of me and I am never alone, never without him, and I know that he will never be truly lost to me. St. Leonard, a member of the communion of saints. It's not that I don't still grieve, and sometimes I miss him so much my heart, literally, aches, but the grief has changed; gradually, the comfort of my memories and my sense of his presence has finally outweighed the pain. Most of the time...

Certain smells, certain moments when I feel unloved, certain aspects of the Christmas rituals, and hundreds of other ordinary details of life, will reopen the wound. But at least now I can let it bleed for a while and go on. At least now I can be open, not only to those painful moments, but also to the many joys of my life.
--Joyce Barrington

Haiti

Tuesday afternoon, I was slumped on the couch, watching cable, stuffed full of antibiotics and feeling quite sorry for myself. A sinus infection, infections in both ears and both eyes; I felt (still feel) like one big oozing infection. Then the news of the Haiti earthquake came over the news. Looking at my full medicine cabinet, not to mention my full cupboards and my nice comfy bed, knowing where my loved ones are and that they're okay, makes it tough to feel truly sorry for myself.

If you want to help, consider donating to Catholic Relief Services--they do great work!


CRS Commits $5 Million to Haiti’s Quake Survivor Relief

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books: 2009

1. The Eucharist and the Hunger of the World, Monika K. Hellwig
2. Jesus of Nazareth, King of the Jews, Paula Fredriksen
3. The Misunderstood Jew: The Church and the Scandal of the Jewish Jesus, Amy-Jill Levine
4. Fortress Introduction to The Gospels, Mark Allan Powell
5. Social Science Commentary on the Synoptic Gospels, Bruce J. Malina and Richard Rohrbach
6. John, the Maverick Gospel, Robert Kysar
7. Written that you May Believe: Encountering Jesus in the Fourth Gospel, Sandra M. Schneiders, IHM
   
8. The Middle Ages, Morris Bishop
9. Models of the Church, Avery Dulles, SJ
10. The Sacred Pipe, Joseph Brown
11. A New Christian Paradigm: The Making of Post-Protestant Christianity, Ben M. Carter
12. Jesus and the Quest for Meaning, Thomas H. West
13. The Church Unfinished: Ecclesiology Through the Centuries, Bernard K. Prusak
14. Salt: A World History, Mark Kurlansky
15. Cod: A Biography of the Fish that Changed the World, Mark Kurlansky
16. Jesus as a Figure in History: How Modern Historians View the Man from Galilee, Mark Kurlansky
17. Paul--A Jew on the Margins, Calvin J. Roetzel
18. The Spirituality of Paul, Thomas H. Tobin
19. Navigating Paul: An Introduction to Key Theological Concepts, Jouette M. Bassler
20. Angela's Ashes, Frank McCourt
21. The Hollow Crown: A History of Britain in the Late Middle Ages, Miri Rubin
22. Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom, John O'Donohue
23. The Lost: A Search for Six of Six Million, Daniel Mendelsohn
24. Whitethorn Woods, Maeve Binchy
25. Saxons, Vikings, and Celts: The Genetic Roots of Britain & Ireland, Bryan Sykes
26. The Shadow of the Wind, Carlos Ruiz Zafon
27. The Rule of Four, Ian Caldwell and Dustin Thomason
28. The Children of Henry VIII, Alison Weir
29. On Hitler's Mountain: Overcoming the Legacy of a Nazi Childhood, Irmgard A. Hunt
30. My Life with the Saints, James Martin, SJ
31. The Monster of Florence: A True Story, Douglas Preston with Mario Spezi
32. Sailing the Wine-Dark Sea: Why the Greeks Matter, Thomas Cahill
33. How the Irish Saved Civilization, Thomas Cahill
34. Christianity Rediscovered, Vincent J. Donovan
35. Doors to the Sacred: A Historical Introduction to Sacraments in the Catholic Church, Joseph Martos
36. The Catholic Myth: The Behavior and Beliefs of American Catholics, Andrew Greeley
37. The Amber Room: The Fate of the World's Greatest Lost Treasure, Catherine Scott-Clark and Adrian Levy
38. No Place Like Home, Mary Higgins Clark
39. The Great Influenza: The Epic Story of the Deadliest Plague in History, John Barry
    
40. The Last Knight: The Twilight of the Middles Ages and the Birth of the Modern Era, Norman Cantor
41. Soldier from the War Returning: The Greatest Generation's Troubled Homecoming from World War II, Thomas Childers
42. The Basque History of the World, Mark Kurlansky
43. Catherine the Great: Love, Sex, and Power, Virginia Rounding
44. Elizabeth and Mary: Cousins, Rivals, and Queens, Jane Dunn
45. Devil's Brood, Sharon Kay Penman
46. Falls the Shadow: A Novel, Sharon Kay Penman
47. Queen Emma and the Vikings: Power, Love and Greed in 11th Century England, Harriet O'Brien
48. Time and Chance, Sharon Kay Penman
49. Dragon's Lair, Sharon Kay Penman
50. The Queen's Man: A Medieval Mystery, Sharon Kay Penman
51. When Christ and his Saints Slept, Sharon Kay Penman
52. The Reckoning, Sharon Kay Penman
53. The Sunne in Splendor: A Novel of Richard III, Sharon Kay Penman
54. The Year 1000: What Life was Like at the Turn of the First Millennium, Robert Lacey and Danny Danziger
55. Here be Dragons, Sharon Kay Penman
56. Walking on a Rolling Deck: Life on the Ark, Kathy Berken
57. The Civilization of the Middle Ages, Norman Cantor
58. Mistress of the Monarchy: The Life of Katherine Swynford, Duchess of Lancaster, Alison Weir
59. Lucia: A Venetian Life in the Age of Napoleon, Andrea D. Robilant
60. A Venetian Affair: A True Tale of Forbidden Love in the 18th Century, Andrea D. Robilant
61. The Gift of the Jews: How a Tribe of Desert Nomads Changed the Way Everyone Thinks and Feels, Thomas Cahill
62. Restoration London: From Poverty to Pets, from Medicine to Magic, from Slang to Sex, from Wallpaper to Women's Rights, Liza Picard
63. The Seville Communion, Arturo Perez-Oerveto
64. In the Wake of the Plague: The Black Death and the World it Made, Norman Cantor
65. The Lady Elizabeth: A Novel, Alison Weir
66. Faith and Treason: The Story of the Gunpowder Plot, Antonia Fraser
67. Blue Iris: Poems and Essays, Mary Oliver

This year's list is dedicated to some of my favorite fellow bookworms: Aunts Barb and Jo, Emilie, Liz P., Liz H., Roxane S., and Kristine.

But most of all, this list is dedicated to my darling sister-in-law Fran, who shares my intense love of books and often subsidizes my Barnes and Noble habit, and to my mom, who instilled in me a love of the power of words and the magic of language, as well as an intense curiosity about the world around me.

the red thread

This is going to be a very short post, just an update on our baby situation.

To make a long story short, we are no longer trying to get pregnant. As it turned out, I simply couldn't handle being off of my fibromyalgia medications. My muscle relaxers, Advil, Excedrin, and trazedone (a sleeping medication commonly used to treat fibromyalgia) are all, without question, definitely verboten for anyone trying to get pregnant. And without them, I've wound up in one of the worst fibromyalgia flares in years. I've been in too much pain to function: unable to dress myself, drive the car, cook, get myself to class, type on the computer. So, after talking it over with my husband and my physician, the three of us made the decision that, for me, pregnancy is simply not an option. (If anyone has any doubts about whether or not fibromyalgia is a real, debilitating chronic pain syndrome, check out the mayo clinic website or web md.)

I feel as though I have lost an actual baby, not just the hope of one. I loved this sweet, precious little child, our little red-haired girl; she was planted firmly in my heart and mind, in my very being, and the grief of knowing that she will never come to exist is overwhelming right now.

But I know that I will survive this. And George and I KNOW that there is a child out there, waiting for us, waiting to become part of our family. In a funny way, being adopted myself, adoption, rather than pregnancy, seems like a normal way of becoming a family. So that is the plan.

I'm going to close with a quote I have propped up against my keyboard as I write; it was sent by a good friend when she and her husband adopted a little honey from China, and I have a feeling it's going to be my mantra for some time to come.

"An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but will never break."
--An ancient Chinese belief

Please keep us in your prayers, if you are so inclined.

a window opens

There is an old saying that when God closes a door, He opens a window. And every once in a while, it seems to come true...

I went in to see my doctor a couple of weeks ago for a medication recheck and, somehow, the conversation drifted to babies. Our Philippines adoption plans fell through earlier this summer--not only are they no longer accepting applications for toddlers, but, according to our adoption counselor, they are about to add medical restrictions. Just about every country we've looked at now refuses to accept parents on anti-depressants. The only country that would possibly accept us is Russia--for a price tag of 30 grand+ and therefore not even within the realm of possibility for us.

So I'm crying, sharing all of this with my doctor, when suddenly she said, "Barbara, have you thought about trying to get pregnant again?" (I should explain here that we did try for a few months about two years ago, after consulting with a genetic counselor and a perinatologist. However, at the time--this was before I went to my beloved pain clinic--I was having chronic migraines. Not exactly conducive to babymaking. So we quit and decided adoption would be easier. Little did we know.)

According to my doc, all the signs indicate that I'm still fertile (I'll spare everyone the gory details) and, despite my seizure disorder, history of depression, asthma, etc., the risks are manageable. I'd still be considered a high-risk pregnancy and need to be under the care of a perinatologist, but chances are more than good that we'd have a HEALTHY BABY!!!!!

IN PRAISE OF FOLIC ACID
The biggest risk to the baby is neural tube defects, such as spina bifida. This is thanks to my anti-seizure medications, which change the way the body uses folic acid; however, taking 4 mg of folic acid by prescription drastically lowers the risk. Yes, gals, that's 4 MILLIGRAMS. And it's been proven to work! (Otherwise I would never even consider pregnancy.)

So our quest begins. If anyone has any advice for me, PLEASE don't hesitate to share!!! I figure that in a way I'm lucky after all that all of my friends have had babies before me--lots of experienced women out there for support!!

And if we can't have a baby this way, then we'll adopt through the MN Waiting Children Program. So come hell or high water, we are going to have a family!

top ten things i learned from my mother

THIS IS FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO KNEW AND LOVED MY MOM:

Top Ten Things I Learned From My Mother
(In No Particular Order)

1. She always told me that love is the only thing that really matters. You can lose your possessions, your job, and your health, but you can always hold on to the love. And in the final analysis, it's the only thing that makes life worth living.
2. Decorate your house with bookcases, because you can never have too many books! Nothing ever seems quite so bad if you can curl up with a good book and a cup of hot cocoa.
3. Class is not determined by money or social position; rather, a truly classy person is one who goes out of her way to make others feel comfortable and special. Classy people are warm and gracious.
4. You'll never get old if you are always interested in other people and continue to learn new things.
5. Life isn't fair. But that doesn't mean it can't still be good, even wonderful, if you retain a sense of gratitude and remember what really matters.
6. God does not send us tragedy and pain. But he does give us the strength to bear them, the courage to face them, and the grace to learn and grow from them.
7. Listen to your heart and follow your star. You never know where they might lead you!
   
8. Yes, you are your brother's--and your sister's--keeper. Always remember that "whatsoever you do unto the least of them, that you do unto me."
9. What others think of you doesn't matter. It's what you think of yourself that counts.
10. It takes more muscles to frown than to smile--and holding a grudge takes too much energy.

Plus Two Extra:

1. Never, ever, take the people you love for granted. And never hesitate to say "I love you."
2. Tough times don't last. But tough people do.

(NB: This is from the eulogy I gave at my mom's funeral on April 19, 2007)

friday five: the fork in the road

This week's Friday Five come courtesy of Singing Owl from RevGalBlogPals. She writes:

Friday, February 27, 2009

Friday Five: The Fork in the Road

"I am at a life-changing juncture. I do not know which way I will go, but I have been thinking about the times, people and events that changed my life (for good or ill) in significant ways. For today's Friday Five, share with us five "fork-in-the-road" events, or persons, or choices. And how did life change after these forks in the road?"

Okay, Singing Owl, here are my five forks in the road:

1. I didn't have a lot of say in this one, being five weeks old at the time, but the first big fork in my road came when I was adopted by Millie and Leonard Resch on October 24, 1968. It turned out to be a 38-year-long love story, lasting until my mom's death in 2007. I could not have been more blessed, both by the mom and dad who loved me and raised me, and the mom who loved me so much she was willing to give me up. I love all three of them, my wonderful parents, more than words can express.

2. At 19 I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and clinical depression. This led to years of therapy and, even more important, much painful soul-searching, trying to figure out where God was speaking to me in my suffering. And I found out that not only was he there, he was holding me, lovingly, and feeling my pain as his own.

3. At 27 I did a unit of C.P.E. (Clinical Pastoral Education), which is, basically, an intensive chaplaincy internship. It's impossible to sum up in only a few sentences what that summer meant for the rest of my life...suffice it to say, I fell in love with the work, am finally back in grad school (after years of struggling with fibromyalgia), and hope to work as a hospice chaplain once I get my degree.

4. When I was 32 I met my husband through mutual friends at the Basilica of St. Mary. Can you say instant lightning? We've been married for five years and he's my rock, the light of my life, and on many days, especially when my depression is bad, the reason I get out of bed. Our marriage tells me a lot about God's love for us--steadfast, constant, always forgiving. We want to adopt so we can share the love with which we've been graced with a special child.

5. Two years ago in April my beloved mom died of emphysema. I am still so lonely for her. But in the midst of her dying, she taught me, by example, what it means to have lived a good life, and what it means, for a person of faith, to go to meet her Creator. (Check out "top ten things I learned from my mother" under "select posts" near the top of the right-hand sidebar.)

Come on ladies, play along with me! Either on your own blogs, or in the comments box. :)

RevGalBlogPals Friday Five: Pets

Friday Five: Pets

(Per Sophia over at RevGalBlogPals...) My son's tiny beloved lizard, Elf, is looking and acting strange this week. His skin/scales are quite dark, and he is lethargic. We are adding vitamin drops to his lettuce and spinach and hoping and praying that he is just getting ready to shed his skin--but it's too soon to tell. Others in the ring have also been worried about beloved pets this week. And, in the saddest news of all, Songbird has had to bid farewell to her precious Molly, the amazing dog who is well known to readers of her blog as a constant sacrament of God's unconditional love.

So in memory of Molly, and in honor of all the beloved animal companions who bless our lives: tell us about the five most memorable pets you have known.
Come play along with me--either post your answers on you blog or, better yet, in the comment box! (Sorry to post this a day late--I fell asleep too early last night to finish.)

Barbara's Memorable Pets:

1. When I was about six, I adopted an earthworm from my dad's garden and named him Casey, after the boy at school I had a wild crush on. I loved Casey (both of them, actually.) One hot summer day, I devised a raft for Casey (the worm) on a small piece of torn-up shingle, and took him for a boat ride in a mud puddle in our driveway. My parents, watching from the window, decided it was about time for me to have a real pet, and that's how Bridget came into our lives. The Casey story does not have a happy ending, though: Casey the boy moved away, and Casey the worm received a ceremonial burial in the rose garden.

2. We got Bridget, a miniature poodle (almost big enough to be a standard) through a group called Pet Haven, almost immediately after the Casey incident. She was, truly, my best friend for all of my growing up years; talk about representing God's unconditional love. We took her everywhere with us. She was also brilliant--my dad loved teaching her tricks. One of his (their, I should say) favorites was teaching her to scratch fleas on command. She didn't have fleas, you understand. I thought about trying to get her on David Letterman's Stupid Pet Tricks, but never got around to it. When I came home from my scoliosis surgery, in terrible pain I went to bed immediately, and Bridget hopped up on the bed and very carefully and gently arranged herself so that she was nestled against me, head on my shoulder, magically, without hitting any of my painful spots (and there were plenty, believe me.) We had to put our beloved Bridget to sleep right after I graduated from college; she was 15-years-old.

3. About a year later we (mom and I) found my darling Molly, a cocker spaniel, at the Golden Valley Humane Society. I knew from the second I laid eyes on her that she was the puppy for us. She was picked up as a stray, and had apparently been abused. Molly had the absolute sweetest nature I have ever seen in a dog, and in a special way, we were soulmates. She could always tell when I was depressed, or my fibromyalgia was acting up, and she was always right there to comfort me. She also had a thing for flowers--we were always catching her out in the backyard sniffing them. When we had to put her to sleep, at the age of 14, (she had an abdominal cancer), we spread her ashes amongst the flowers she loved so much. I love to think of her resting there, helping the flowers grow.

4. Warning: Do not let young children read this fish horror story. In my late twenties I decided I need some fish to help keep me company. So I trotted off the the pet store, purchased my little tank and fish goodies, and then selected my fish. I don't remember the name of the breed (Bellas, maybe?), but they were stunningly beautiful, and the store owner assured me they were a very passive breed of fish, and not likely to harm each other. (Does anyone sense some foreshadowing here?) I enjoyed watching them swim about in their tiny tank, weaving in and out of the fronds of the plants I had so carefully purchased for their swimming pleasure. But soon, I began to notice that a few of my fish seemed to have disappeared. Then, one traumatic day, I caught the fish villain in the act: he was devouring another fish. The story only gets worse from here. A fish execution by toilet, remaining fish obviously suffering from PTSD. I'm not sure what this was supposed to teach me. That fish can be possessed? That the reality of evil extends even to little aquariums?

5. Luckily, my last pet story reaffirms my belief in the goodness of creation. My darling Fiona, the Uber-cocker spaniel, curled up against my bare feet as I type, is my best furry friend and provides me with all the loving, unconditional care anyone could possibly need. When my mom was dying, and I'd come home from the nursing home in tears, Fiona was right there waiting for me. And after mom died, for weeks the little fluffy creature wouldn't leave my side; she clung to me, staring up at me with her big brown eyes that telegraphed her doggly love and concern. Fiona also loves to play; every single day, without fail, we must--and I do mean must--play with each of her toys in turn. She so loves her toys. She is my cuddly darling, and I hope to someday be the person she thinks I am.